The Merrily Bereaved

Today conversations about grief and loss seem to have found their way  into my day . A phone call with a lady who was having a down day as she approaches Xmas after a relationship breakup and losing 2 other people close to her throughout 2017. Thoughts of a lovely friend who lost a parent and preparing my home for a beautiful little family to visit who lost their Grandfather suddenly this year. The sudden tragic loss of one of our family's young doctors. The passing of my old uncle recently....

Xmas being a time we usually spend and celebrate with loved ones, it can scratch the surface of our sorrow  when we least expect. The spreading of good cheer and merriment is enough to make the recently bereaved turn violent towards devices that bleat out cheery Xmas carols. I acknowledge that for some of us Xmas may not hold happy memories and that some relationships are not perfect but a loss is a loss. We may be missing the one who usually Xmas cooks for us, decorates the home, does the Xmas shop, plays Santa, plays cricket in the back yard with the kids, is the holder of batteries for Xmas toys, carves the turkey or the ham , assembles all gifts that require assembly, takes the kids fishing or to the beach, decorates the house, puts up the lights, insists on Xmas light drives even when the kids are all over 18!, shares Xmas eve or midnight mass with you. Xmas memories of our loved ones can leave us in fits of laughter as well as floods of tears, several times in the one day ! 

The year my brother passed away I felt like standing in the middle of a department store and screaming out 

"how dare you all go on as normal , don't you know my brother died". he died in the June and I wasn't too bad for a while but the week before Xmas I was a blubbering mess.  I seldom spent Xmas with my brother who lived on the other side of the country but I did always post him a Xmas card and gift and we always called each other on birthdays and Xmas. It was one of the highlights of my Xmas , way before mobile phones raised their ugly heads, he would call me before he went off to Xmas lunch with one or other of the families in the tiny town he lived in. I used to worry about him being alone at Xmas but after he died we found out that of the 23 years he lived their he never spent one Xmas alone. Locals made sure he always had a Xmas lunch to attend. I guess the ritual that tripped me up that year was the shopping and posting of  Xmas gifts to those "down south". Not shopping or posting a gift for him that year somehow made his passing ever so much more real.

This is what gets me through 

• Acceptance accept that the day will be a little different than before you lost your loved one, accept that it may be difficult for you and others, don't forget about the children's grief. You may not feel like having Xmas, celebrating, decorating or partying or cooking and maybe you just don't have the energy. However you feel just accept it , it is what it is.
• Have a plan you may not stick to it but having a plan will help you feel more in control. So you may have a simpler plan or a different plan for the first Xmas day , go out for lunch , have it at a different venue than you normally would, having a planned routine for the day will help when you just can't think and will keep you busy. Plan an escape route so if you are sad and you don't want to be in front of everyone, an afternoon nap is always a good excuse,
• Their Stuff having their stuff around helps me , Mum's decorations , a couple of her ironed lace hankies under my pillow, a new framed photo of the loved one, my brother's fishing hat strewn somewhere among the crowd on Xmas day.
• Share Memories I didn't spend many Xmas days with Mun and Dad as an adult . As a child having Xmas in the family home , the adults sat at the table and my nieces and nephews and I sat at the children's tables and chairs . I had to sit on the wooden "potty " chair with them and I hated it !. It is not my fondest Xmas memory.  Probably why I try really hard to have us all at the Xmas table , 17 of us ...lol . The children's grandfather was a darling man and I often tell them about the gaudy , crazy Xmas shirt he would drag out every year.
• Participate in Ritual stick to an old ritual , modify it or create a new one . I like to hang baubles that I have bought for that loved one on the tree and go to church for them. Some like to light a candle in their home or in Church for their loved one. I've never been a grave person myself , but my sister likes to visit and decorate our family graves. Cooking of a loved one's traditional Xmas dish is also a goer in our home with me charged with making Mum's trifle,this year . God help us!
• Self Care is very important for the bereaved but especially on one of the "first" . Take the stress off , simpler presents , simpler wrapping like bags instead of being up half the night wrapping ,simpler meal , simpler day, skip those in your life that you need energy to cope with , even if grief has robbed you of your appetite eat... well (on Xmas day ??)and try and get enough sleep and water. Grief is exhausting  and sometimes when we are not feeling our best being around others is a huge effort. Express your feelings , talk , cry, meditate, write , draw, create...
• Remember Others   the lady I mentioned at the beginning of  the  post has decided not to travel to her family for Xmas this year but rather spend it with her good friend who lost her husband suddenly this year. She has also put an add in the Free Press in her little town having an open house for Xmas lunch so nobody need be alone on Xmas day.

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